i don't understand why people just can't be honest with me when it comes to j*~. i know after 18 years of being together we have "mutual" friends. its not something i didn't expect. but instead of just telling me they don't want to get in the middle, they just abandon me....
why is that?
sitting here at my computer, listening to the kids fans (white noise) and thinking just how quiet it is.......
i'm not used to it being so quiet, when j*~ is here the tv and EQ was always on until 12:30am or so. now its just quiet and i really don't know what to think.
i push my feelings behind and try to go on. but its not so easy. thank goodness i have friends to talk to, i sorta wish i had someone to spend the night (no i don't mean to have sex with, just so i wouldn't be alone).
i was doing pretty good this last week. i had gotten a handle on somethings and of course "the peyton place" where i work has started the rumor mill going. people who don't have anything to say to me are coming up to me asking me about my relationship. i must have given more crazy looks to people this last week than i have in my whole life.
how do you even justify an answer to a question from a person who talks about you like a dog behind your back.
most of the time i just take it for what it is, and let it go when i leave work, but some people have ALOT of gaul. (ok that or Hugh balls).
the casino was SOOOO busy this weekend, a guess everyone was feening to go gamble since we had 2 bad weather weekends in a row, we worked out butts off, but still i was feeling pretty good when i was getting ready to leave.
i turned to get my purse out of the podium, and 2 of the people i was relieving (giving breaks to) where talking.
opps they were taking about what a stupid f** i was for being so nice to j*~. they had a few more things to say before they realized i was standing there. the proverbial deer in the headlight look was given as they stopped, i guess to bite they're tongue.
i just looked at them and said "thanks for coming back, have a good weekend" and walked.....
one of them i don't really care about but the other i thought had enough respect for me not to talk about me, but to me if she wanted. i am so not a good judge of character, i let people walk on me all the time.....
i've always envied j*~'s way. he just doesn't care what people think. he could care less what they say.
i wish i couldn't have learned that from him....
lans(yes its spelled right) and i have been talking, seems i've lost myself along the way. hes trying to help me. i've defined myself with the people around me for so long i don't know where i placed me. to find joy and happiness i need to look inside, but when i do, i run....... screaming into a corner. all i find is emptiness and pain. it shouldn't be that way i know. i have two beautiful, loving children, who need me to be strong, and they have seen me so weak lately. i feel so bad, because if you can't depend on your mom who can you depend on?
am i just marking time until the next life? whats the lesson in this one? i need so many answers and don't know where to start looking.
i do know i'm angry, no, not just angry i'm LIVID not that its anyONEs, in particulars fault. but i've been replaced, not just in j*~'s life, but, in the lives of a "few" others that makes me hurt. i know they don't care, so i don't see why i do...
i hate love :(
ok, j*~ says i live in a fairy tale world, he says i'm unrealistic about what i want out of a partner in life. i guess he might be right, but i, deep in my heart, don't think he is, i am a "hopeful" romantic. i think true love actually does exsist. i've seen it. my maternal grandparents where a wonderful example, they loved each other whole heartedly. they gave of themselfs to one another in every way possible. they were kind and loving, and always put the other one first. i guess thats a one in a million realtionship, but thats what i want. i am tired of settling. i love j*~, i will love him till the day i die, i want things to work, but i just don't see how its going to..... he can give of himself but not whole heartly, he has an addiction, as bad as any drugs or alchol, but his addiction is to women.
hes a hunter by nature, i know that, he can't help himself, he loves to hunt. but it goes beyond "bambi" . he likes to hunt women, not to hurt them, but he loves the thrill of the chase. he loves when he gets his hands on them. then he wants them to be "obssessed" with him. and usually has a few waiting in the wings. its his drug.
he's goodlooking and can be so charming, and he uses it to his advantage.
he says he loves me, and i do believe he does, we have so much history together we've become family,but i'm obviously not enough to make him happy. i've given all i have to give. my heart is broke, and i ache for this to all be over with.....
so i'm not sure where to go from here. but i have to go somewhere......
ok, so here i am alone.......what do i do?........ please someone help me................
People:My kids [[Amber and Ry]] My Friends: Jenn, Sari & Suzi
People:Mean,Ugly (for no reason)
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