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Sunday, August 14, 2005

[[j~ says.....]]

*j~ says.....

*j~ says, he doesn't read my blog, that i should have the right to write what i wish and he doesn't want to get in the way, i'm not so sure i believe him. but i guess, i just have a problem with believeing anything he says, or anything anyone else says for that matter. i said in my last very short blog i needed to run away.... i think i need to get away, disappointment seems to follow me, maybe i expect to much of people? i've always tried to see us as basic humans with human flaws, we all make mistakes, we all goof up, but geeze... how much do i have to take?

i guess its because my life is upside down right now. i say right now, but it has been for years and i just haven't faced it. when i was young i started believeing that i was not worthy of "true love". i had a difficult childhood, but i know alot of us do. so i came to accept the fact that i wouldn't find true love. well (to my surprise) i met the man of my dreams, and as you can guess, my idea of him was a dream.

as if life has ever made any sence to me, the darkness is creeping back in again and its time for me to either start living or finish it. i have not decided which i will do. i'm quite tired of the pain and sorrow in my life and in the lives of those that surround me. to me its time to make the change. what the change is i'm not sure of, how to start the change, i don't know that answer either.

i have loved and cared for so many in this life. my question now is has anyone really returned my feelings, has anyone ever loved me back.
i thought at one time the answer to that question was yes, i do remember feeling happy, wanted and loved, but now those feelings have vanquished from my life. i feel as if i am a bother or a nuisance to those around me.

when i try to talk of my feelings, people (some not all) tell me that they are not responsible for my happiness or they believe i am over reacting or being foolish or stupid. that its all in my head, so my question is have i made this all up? maybe some, but surely not all. why would i, or anyone, want to be unhappy and miserable. i truly don't want to be. i can promise you that. i don't like feeling this way, i don't want to feel this way, but i don't know what to do about changing the inner me.

i believed from a very young age that to be a good person and to be good to people would bring you the happiness you deserve. treating people with respect and kindness is what you needed to do to make everyone's life happy, including yours. but i find my self a bit jaded now. i have found that so many people take you for granted and take advantage of you for being kind. and so many relate kindness to stupidity? why is that, what can't you be kind and smart at the same time.

so i have to think was i a bad person in a previous life? did i do harm and cause hurt to others? is karma catching up with me in this life?
how exactly does karma work?

i've just been so depressed, sorry for the depressing posts, as of late :(

[[Lorrellie Walks Alone On This Endless Road]]*|11:22 PM|

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