[the water fairy] :)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

[[the truth be known]]

the truth be known....

so the truth be known? i hate myself, i know not a big surprise to some that know me. i try very hard not to think about it, i push it to the back and hope that maybe, someday, it will go away. but then when i least expect it, its back, the feeling of being unworthy of anyones affections, or anyones love, and the yearning to leave this world. to know that one day i will end up "the old cat women" at the end of the street. alone.
when i feel like this, all i want to do is crawl into the bed and cry.
there were times before, my kids were born, i would lock myself in my bedroom for days on end, and just hide from the world. when i was in college, i wouldn't answer the door. i remember once a friend got the R.A. to open my room to see if i was there, and i was, in the dark, with a coke, (coka-cola, that is) listening to "pink floyd". i knew they had been trying to get in, but i just wouldn't come to the door. i actually lost my first job, because i went thru "the phase" and couldn't make myself get up and go to work. i can't do that now, i have ry and amber to take care of, so i wonder subconsciously, if thats what my miagraines are about? do i have them as an excuse to run away from reality? is that why they manifest themselfs when i am so terribly depressed and i remember how much i hate myself?
i know some of this is brought on by foolishness, i shouldn't listen to what others say, people can be so cruel, being a "fat" person in todays sociatiy is not easy. and yes i know i'm fat, i can look in the mirror, i have the misfortune of doing it everyday. some believe that prejudist exist, only in certain forms, like being prejudist against someones race, or someones sexuality, but trust me when i say, prejudist exists for fat, ugly, (some believe its the same thing) nonperfect people.
i wish i was a stronger person, i wish i could just dismiss all the ugly in the world. make it all go away.
and the rambling continues..............

[[Lorrellie Walks Alone On This Endless Road]]*|11:58 PM|

[[*The Fading Soul*]]

My name is Lorrellie. No one really knows me. Hell, I don't even know myself. I wish I did... I'm quite lost.

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Drinks:Coka-Cola
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ry
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Lilith is the ancient Sumerian goddess, (and predecessor to Adam and Eve), the first feminist and liberationist, boldly helps us to stand up for what we believe in, unbridled and courageous no matter what the cost.
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