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Saturday, September 17, 2005

[[the truth be known]]

the truth be known....

so the truth be known? i hate myself, i know not a big surprise to some that know me. i try very hard not to think about it, i push it to the back and hope that maybe, someday, it will go away. but then when i least expect it, its back, the feeling of being unworthy of anyones affections, or anyones love, and the yearning to leave this world. to know that one day i will end up "the old cat women" at the end of the street. alone.
when i feel like this, all i want to do is crawl into the bed and cry.
there were times before, my kids were born, i would lock myself in my bedroom for days on end, and just hide from the world. when i was in college, i wouldn't answer the door. i remember once a friend got the R.A. to open my room to see if i was there, and i was, in the dark, with a coke, (coka-cola, that is) listening to "pink floyd". i knew they had been trying to get in, but i just wouldn't come to the door. i actually lost my first job, because i went thru "the phase" and couldn't make myself get up and go to work. i can't do that now, i have ry and amber to take care of, so i wonder subconsciously, if thats what my miagraines are about? do i have them as an excuse to run away from reality? is that why they manifest themselfs when i am so terribly depressed and i remember how much i hate myself?
i know some of this is brought on by foolishness, i shouldn't listen to what others say, people can be so cruel, being a "fat" person in todays sociatiy is not easy. and yes i know i'm fat, i can look in the mirror, i have the misfortune of doing it everyday. some believe that prejudist exist, only in certain forms, like being prejudist against someones race, or someones sexuality, but trust me when i say, prejudist exists for fat, ugly, (some believe its the same thing) nonperfect people.
i wish i was a stronger person, i wish i could just dismiss all the ugly in the world. make it all go away.
and the rambling continues..............

[[Lorrellie Walks Alone On This Endless Road]]*|11:58 PM|

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