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Monday, October 17, 2005

[[back to insomnia...]]

well here it is, 3:50am, again and i find myself with no sleep. i truly feel lost. i had the most lousy weekend. i went to see my mom. i love my mother SOOOO much. she is about the best person to ever walk the face of this earth, she is kind, gentle, loving, she has true concern for the people of this world, and the heartaches so many go threw. shes always been very environmentally conscience, even before it was "cool" to be so. she has the most wonderful singing voice i have ever heard, yes, she truly sounds like an angel when she sings. i owe my talent, and so many other things to her. she is an exceptional women. she did instill guilt in to me, though, she did a REAL good job of that.
well now this wonderful person has Alzheimer's and i'm watching on a day to day basis as she slowly slips away. its so odd, this disease takes a person away from you a little at a time, until they start becoming someone you've never known. and even worse, you'll never know again. i know the day is quickly approaching when my brother and i are going to have to put my mother in some sort of nursing home, or assisted living home, she is getting to where she won't do the very basic things she needs to do for herself. i had to make her eat and take a bath, it was worse than dealing with a small child. when your children are little you can just pick them up and put them in the bath, not so easy with a grown women. as i'm sure you can figure out. my up bringing tells me i shouldn't "talk back" to my mother, yet if i'm not VERY firm with her, i can't get her to do anything. what do you do? how do you cope? i find myself slipping back into the familiar feeling of despair. i know its only a matter of time until shes not here with me anymore. have i done all i can to help her live some quality of life? have i done anything? does she even know?
i love her so much.
all the things that happened with my dad (he was a raging alcoholic), when i was a child, she kept it all together, she was so strong. i miss her....

[[Lorrellie Walks Alone On This Endless Road]]*|3:50 AM|

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