man, i love you!!! i will miss you, and right now, i can't breath when i think of all of this. you weren't suppose to go like this joey, we were making plans for you to come and have fun together like we always do. joey, you were my "brother in law" by law, but you were my brother in my heart. from the first day we met, we clicked. our music, books, movies and all just always clicked. i even didn't mind you kicking my ass, in trivia pursuit, you were the best. you were the best dad, and raised great kids!!! talking to andy this weekend was a blessing, he has your wicked sence of humor, and of course your charming good looks :)
i miss you so much, i will do anything i can to help with the kids, and no matter what they always have a place with me. (but andy has to promise to let me breath occasionally, he just has to give me a minute between his jokes and man did he get mark, rusty and everyone else good this week!!!!)
i know this is jumbled, and i've rambled, but i can't think straight. i just wanted you to know, that, i don't want you to be gone. i wish i could just see you one more time. i love you.....
j~*'s brother died in a car accident early this morning. i am so sad. i loved joey. he was the kind of person that would walk into the room and within 10 minutes, have everyone laughing so hard you thought you were gonna pee your pants :) he had some personal problems, but he was smart, funny, and a man with a great heart. we had just talked last week about him coming down to visit. man, i am gonna miss him so much.........
so, today, i E.O. (in casino lingo that means you get to leave early) YEAH FOR ME!!!, so j~* still manages to make me feel guilty anytime i do anything for myself. why do i let him do that to me, hell why do i let anyone do that to me!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!! (as all the geek speak people say) LMAO
i thought about switching over to 360 or myspace like alot of people i know, but i like the look of my lay out. can't get that with the others. so i'm back. i don't write much, because i have been so down, but i figure its like this, i don't think many read this anymore because i haven't written, and i think i'll just take this back without fear of who reads it because i need an outlet. i need some release, and i'm gonna write what i feel. someone at work was overheard saying that they were "tired of all my drama". man that just blows me away. i have had alot go on in the last year. but i don't cry about it at work. (like the person that said that about me does). it just kills me, the casino biz is a big "peyton place". i talk to maybe 4 people at work about my personal life, and they are my friends. i've been having SO many migraines lately its not even funny. i wish i weren't. i've had to call in way to much, and i do hate that. i need the money, (and that's another reason for "certain" people to talk, they always assume that your calling in to go party or something. i wish they could have just ONE migraine like i do where they are in so much pain that they can't see, then, maybe they would SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!) i had a c.t. scan and an m.r.i. done last week. hmmm, maybe i have a brain cloud.... hehe... i have found some peace in the last few months. my faith has helped, yes i said that, my faith in something higher than me, no i'm not a christian, i am a member of the wiccan faith. i love the way, you can see the beauty in the everyday things around you. i'm being dedicated to my coven in may, and i can't wait. its gonna be on a blue moon. (no we don't dance naked in the moonlight, LOL) but we do have fun. the wiccan religion is a very hands on sorta thing. it grounds me. i've always believed in reincarnation, i just think that you get more than one chance to get it right. hopefully those bitter, awful, mean spirited people will find some faith in something before they die, and realize that, you don't aways have to be putting someone else down to make yourself feel better. i can only hope... well i've rambled enought for tonight, but, i'll be back....
well, its been over a month, and here i am back again. i don't post much because i am so depressed. and all it seems to be is a bunch of whinning. but i have to get this out some way. i am awful, i know when i'm this depressed i should call friends and try to get out, but, i catch myself just sitting by myself, away from everyone and everything. i am becoming so detached from reality. i don't like being this way, i really don't. but i am. i'm lonely, sad, hurt and just don't want to go on. i just don't get it, i mean i have tryed my best to be good in life, and i'm the one who winds up alone. j~* has a girlfriend, a baby, people to be with, and what do i have? yes i'm mad!!! and jealous. its not fair. i'm always told, i deserve better, but what if better never comes along? i don't want to be the old lady down the street that all the kids are scared of. the only thing that has saved my life in the last year are ry and amber. i know if i were to do something to myself they would have to live with it, and i can't do that to them.
so, i'm thinking about moving to the coast, been thinking long and hard about it. so i mention it to j~* and he says "if you really want to, i'll keep the kids until you get settled in." hmmmmm.......
Lilith is the ancient Sumerian goddess,
(and predecessor to Adam and Eve),
the first feminist and liberationist, boldly
helps us to stand up for what we believe
in, unbridled and courageous no matter
what the cost.
Lilith inspires us not to judge our opposite
sex, to respect them as our equal, and to
nurture equality in our environment.
Reconnect with Lilith at www.goddess.com.au
