in Lorr's perfect world...
in my perfect world, i would have all the people i love around me. i could have jenn and ash and sari, live next door or up stairs or where ever they wished as long as it was close. i would have my friend donna move back from cali to be with us. my other friend jennifer could come back from heber springs, maybe in a commune, where we grew our own veggies, and sat and around the fire, danced, sang, and listened to music all night long.
we wouldn't have to worry about our children, cause we would all be there to take care of each other, we would understand if you needed some "me" time, and wouldn't question why? because we would just know.
honesty would just come naturally, because there would be no reason for anything else. if we wanted to howl at the moon, burn incense, say a prayer, meditate, it would just be accepted.
just accepted............ why is that so hard for people? why can't they just live and let live?
i guess john lennon said it best.......
Liar, n. An attorney with a roving profession. A journalist of any occupation, trade or calling.
Any one born a male. See PREACHER. (aka hypocrits)
a little bitter?? ok todays answer to be the million dollar question? YES
ramblings of a crazed white women.....
is that concidered palgerism? oh well, not my intend. incoherent thoughts always seem to run the pathways of my mind. i've always been so envious of people who could write, (and spell, just to let you know now, i can't spell anything...oh you've already figured that out, huh?) and everything they wrote came out quite eloquently. how do you do that?
being a singer, i always wanted to write my own lyrics, and i'll be damned if i can. the music comes quite easy, but the words just aren't there. maybe someday the words will come... but then again probably not. so until that time i ramble long streams of conciousness that links subject to subject with no apperant thread.
that sorta sums of my life.
thoughts of my blog have been clouding my mind for the last few weeks, trying to figure out where to start, but i guess there is really no "good" start place. some of my problem has been just how much i want to open up and talk about, so much in my life i keep to myself, but i'm not stupid as some would think, i do know that others know things in my life that i won't talk about. i don't know if its just embarressment or if i actually say the words it will make it true. (ok, once again i know they're already true, its my way of hiding my head in the sand)
work sucked today, my pit boss was in such a pissy mood, he's having personal problems, now don't get me wrong, i am no stranger to those, (who is?) but i don't go to work and take them out on others. if i did, i would be mad ALL THE TIME!!!!! ok, so i am mad alot, but i keep it inside.
i don't understand people like that, i feel if you make your own bed then lie in it. thats what i do..... the only person i have to blame for my mistakes is myself and one of these days i might even be able to correct a few. i feel like i've made a small start talking to my ex, hes such a good guy, not that i had forgot that, just couldn't get him to talk to me for awhile :) but thats ok, he is now.
in the end only kindness matters....
and really, its between you and "your" god, isn't it?
my days off go......
my days off go by way to quickly, had a late lunch planned with jenn, and that all got shot to hell, the denist made sure of that :P went in for him to check on the wisdom tooth he cut out, and low and behold, the xray showed a bit of it still left WAYYYY up in my sinus cavity so after about 6 shots of novicane, and lots of gas he was ready to take it out... thank god i was so stoned it didn't mater. but now i haven't been able to feel the right of my face for the last 5 hours..... so weird.... wish i had a tank of gas here at home, would make life alot easier.
but anyway, i was really looking forward to my lunch, its so nice to sit and talk withsome one who actually listens to what you say, and has intelligent things to say back to you. and gives the greatest advice.... i haven't been out in forever, and i would much rather have been with her. girls day out is got to come soon, i guess i'm just gonna have to use my birthday to make everyone come over and drink and smoke cigars with me..... i got to blow it out soon, who knows when the last ones gonna be????
last night i cried.........
last night i cried...... a very good friend of mine is very sick, this thursday he starts chemo, intense chemo, for the next 10 days, then when they have killed ALL is white blood cells, they will give him a bone marrow transplant. hes got about a 70% chance of it taking, but if it doesn't, theres nothing left for the doctors to do.....
as i read an e-mail from him, he told me to keep my soul well, to continue to smile, because no mater what i thought, my smile was very contagious to all those who meet me and makes any place i am, a better place to be. he ended by telling me he hoped to see me again in this life, but if not, he would see me again someday..............
as i read the words he had wrote, i thought to myself, this isn't real, it can't be, hes one of the smartest, wittiest, best people i have ever known.
how do you let someone go? i can't, or won't just yet.....
but i do know i time will come that, i won't have a choice. i guess thats part of my problem now, my father passed away last year and i'm still mad at him for leaving me all alone, until the day he died, i felt like no mater what i do he would always be there to take care of me, now? i feel like a lost child most of the time, like i'm just going through the motions of everyday life, waiting to be rescued.....
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
"I love her for her smile--her look--her way
Of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day"--
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,--and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,--
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.
Sonnets from the Portuguese
Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
to forgive and forget?
most of my life i have lived by the rule "to forgive and forget". now granted forgiving is easier than forgetting, but i try. i figure we are all human, and do to the fact that we are, we all make mistakes. i try very hard to be tolerant of people, and for the most part, i KNOW i am more tolerant than most. just because i tolerant them doesn't mean i want them in my "inner circle" but on a day to day basis, i can deal with them.
but sometimes i wonder where i have to draw the line. and making that decision has become so very hard for me. its like i have no backbone anymore, its almost as if i'm afraid that every decision i make, will have dire concequences. so what happens when i can't do it, when i become this wishy-washy spineless thing that just goes along with everything. i hate it, i don't want to be that way. but i've done it for so long, i dont know how to change. i literaly wish i had someone else to tell me what to do and make all the decisions for me. (ok i know, back to reality) i have got to figure out away, to get the ability back. i know its buried deep with-in me, somewhere, i remember being a strong person. so where do i go from here?
odd happenings ? :)
well..... the odd thing is, i'm talking to my exhusband. after 17 years of not saying a word, after a REALLY bad break-up. it just sorta happened. his mother passed away a month or so ago. and i knew after all these years, i was the only one in his past or present that knew her. so i to the plunge, got his e-mail and wrote him to tell him how sorry i was, she was really the only parent he ever had, and just losing my dad, i know how lost it can make you feel. well the next day i check my mail and hes written back. long story short, we've talked everyday since. he was always one of the most interesting people i had ever met. we seem to remmember, before we got stupid, that we where best friends. well anyway, i'll write more on this later, but to me this has been such a healing experience............. (if that makes any sence) :)
just a post, to see how this works...... will be back soon :)
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