ok so i'm gonna look around for another format for my blog. it is a little crowded looking, but i really like the cat... of course i love my "Puddy tuddums" (yes thats what we call cats in "my" world. i dreamed about my exhusband last night, we talked on the computer for a while last night, he is such an interesting person. we always loved the same kind of music, and hes a very open minded person. hes remarried in happy relationship and i'm glad for him, he deserves happiness, he's a good guy. the dream was just us sitting and talking about all the old stuff we used to talk about, then i woke up with "stevie ray" playing on the radio..."Pride and Joy", was odd, always thought of that as "our" song. made me smile. would love to see him sometime, he says hes gained weight, but i can't believe it. he was very slim when i knew him. it wouldn't have hurt him to gain weight. i hope he doesn't get mad at me for reminising about him.
been playing around with new stuff, just wanted to play with this for awhile, thought it was sorta cute:) i like cute:) tell me what cha think???? (don't hold back, jenn... hehehe)
well my son's got strep and has brought it home to amber and myself.. i feel like total POO-POO!!!! i have moments when i don't feel so bad, and then it hits me like a ton of lead and if i don't go lay down in my bed, i WILL be laying down in the floor, even against my own will :) we are a motley crew here at this house right now. GOD I LOVE COKE!!!! (the drink that is)
You're Skittles!!! You have a very interesting personality, you're so unique. You're the kind of person who always thinks outside of the box. You're also a very accepting individual, and believe in inner beauty.
so the truth be known? i hate myself, i know not a big surprise to some that know me. i try very hard not to think about it, i push it to the back and hope that maybe, someday, it will go away. but then when i least expect it, its back, the feeling of being unworthy of anyones affections, or anyones love, and the yearning to leave this world. to know that one day i will end up "the old cat women" at the end of the street. alone. when i feel like this, all i want to do is crawl into the bed and cry. there were times before, my kids were born, i would lock myself in my bedroom for days on end, and just hide from the world. when i was in college, i wouldn't answer the door. i remember once a friend got the R.A. to open my room to see if i was there, and i was, in the dark, with a coke, (coka-cola, that is) listening to "pink floyd". i knew they had been trying to get in, but i just wouldn't come to the door. i actually lost my first job, because i went thru "the phase" and couldn't make myself get up and go to work. i can't do that now, i have ry and amber to take care of, so i wonder subconsciously, if thats what my miagraines are about? do i have them as an excuse to run away from reality? is that why they manifest themselfs when i am so terribly depressed and i remember how much i hate myself? i know some of this is brought on by foolishness, i shouldn't listen to what others say, people can be so cruel, being a "fat" person in todays sociatiy is not easy. and yes i know i'm fat, i can look in the mirror, i have the misfortune of doing it everyday. some believe that prejudist exist, only in certain forms, like being prejudist against someones race, or someones sexuality, but trust me when i say, prejudist exists for fat, ugly, (some believe its the same thing) nonperfect people. i wish i was a stronger person, i wish i could just dismiss all the ugly in the world. make it all go away. and the rambling continues..............
well, i spent the day with my mother. i love my mother, she is a kind and gentle person. shes always been very loving and caring, i couldn't have asked for a better mom. we had a really hard time as a child. my father was an alcholic. he made life unbearable at times, no not just at times, almost all the time. my mom did all she could to protect my brother and me. finally, my dad became so unbearable, he left. (thats another story) but when he left my mother, we had nothing, so she did the best she could. we had a roof over our heads and food to eat. and as i said before she loved us. now she has Alzheimer's, she has good days, but then she has days she doesn't remember much. today was an odd day, she started out ok, but as the day went on, it got sorta bad. she told me my dad died , my father passed away over a year ago, she asked where her brother was, he passed away last year too, she also told me about that my grandmother died, that was in july, she told me these things about 10 times, at least.... its so hard, i have to hold my breath to keep from crying, watching her fade away from me, its one of the hardest things i've ever done. i sometimes don't know what i'm gonna do. i feel like a lost little girl. i feel so alone. what do you do when your watching every thing fall apart? help.....
i have had a really hard time with everything that has been happening south of us, with hurricane katrina. at a time when we as a nation should pull together and help one another,but instead, we divide ourself with stupidity and racism. no one can help who or what they were born, we all have out faults. god i wish we didn't, but we do, no one is truly happy with themselfs, we all hide things in the dark and in the back of the "closets" we don't want others to know, some are embarrissing, some are hurtful and we don't know how to put them into words. but we are all bleeding inside aren't we? so why when we have a tragedy of this magnitude do we take it out on each other and call each other names?? we should draw together and show the fact that we are caring, loving people. not just mere animals.
i want to save the world,
peace and harmony
in my life time
in my, childrens life time
love without jealousy
be the best friend
listen to those around me
kind and gentlely
yes i am a hippy at heart... i want to run thru a field of flowers, barefoot.
yes i know i'm very silly..........
(P.S. i decided to use the other blog darkwillowsong to write some of my depressing dark poetry, if you want to check it out... but NO laughing!!!!)
Lilith is the ancient Sumerian goddess,
(and predecessor to Adam and Eve),
the first feminist and liberationist, boldly
helps us to stand up for what we believe
in, unbridled and courageous no matter
what the cost.
Lilith inspires us not to judge our opposite
sex, to respect them as our equal, and to
nurture equality in our environment.
Reconnect with Lilith at www.goddess.com.au
